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Title: Take What You Want, Leave What You Don’t
Author: learnthemusic
Rating: PG-13
Pairing: Brian/Justin

Summary: This wasn’t part of the plan. [S1-S3]

DISCLAIMER: Don’t own the characters. Never have, never will. They belong to CowLip unless otherwise noted.
Author’s Note: This is the first QAF fic I’ve written, so I hope it’s not too big of a failure. Feedback completely appreciated.


 


-

 

Life is this vicious circle. Never ending, never beginning, you’re just popped out of your mother and it’s like you were always alive you’re so expected.

Usually nothing comes as a surprise but when it does, be careful because it’ll just become part of your existence like every other aspect in your life. Become part of your existence like it was never important enough to be considered a small edge on an otherwise perfect circle. So small that when you look back at the no-corner-no-edge-no-side sphere you call your life you’ll never be able to remember anything exciting or shocking that ever dared happen to you. 

Not even a life-altering type situation can alter your life if it’s as put together as fate designed it to be.

Then again, Brian’s never really believed in destiny and he decided a long time ago that his life is put together because he made it that way. Nothing ever did anything for him, it was all him. 

Like all the surprises that ended up being expectations before it, the introduction of Justin into his life was not in his stars but in his own plan for life because Brian planned his life out the minute he turned eighteen. He’d always known he’d be one of the gay men who never settled down with anyone, always known he would fuck around to his heart’s content, always known he’d be successful and lusted after. So, no way.

Justin was no surprise until he became a surprise and kept coming back. Eleven successful years of adhering to a solid plan and suddenly some kid who’d never been fucked before wormed his way into his life without so much as a struggle because Brian let him. Despite everything he believed in, he let him and he liked it. 

From there on out, life became an open bar where he just kept taking the shots as they came because no one stopped handing them out and everyone wanted him to take them.

- 

One little slip, the open bar becomes an open party, everyone’s invited, take what you want, leave what you don’t. Someone brings their burden, abandons it like the plague, and suddenly Brian’s the one left to deal with it.

Okay, no cause for panic, he’s handled worse, life will go on. Except sometimes, it doesn’t and some people just never come back. Brian’s not even sure he’s ever come back, how’s he supposed to help someone else? 

Thing is, he’s not given the chance to decide and before he knows it, there’s a new monster in his bed and nothing, nothing he does will make it leave. Begs, pleads, prays but no cigar’s ever lit.

Makes no sense, this wasn’t part of the plan, he’s stuck in a moment he can’t get out of and now he can’t sleep because he can’t sleep because of what that other bastard did. He’s in the twilight zone, it’s so nerve-wracking, everything keeps happening time and time again, he’s relived it so much in the last couple days that when he has to stand there, jaw clenched, eyes distant, there’s no point in closing his eyes to block out the image because it always finds some way to filter through the dark. 

So, sometimes, Brian feels like he’s the one that needs to be comforted but if he ever voiced that thought, everybody would think he’s more a selfish prick than he already is. Maybe it’s what pushes Justin to retreat but there are so many people expecting him to fail that he won’t give in to any of his (sick because what else could they be) desires. Instead, he pushes Justin to the verge, hopes he’ll understand because for some reason he’s always been really good at reading Brian, denied or otherwise. Justin’s always been really good at so many things but Brian’s pride can’t take any more hits than it already has. He can’t admit this shit, so he buries it (and them) and tries to unearth his original plan when Justin suddenly decides to betray him and leaves.

He tells himself it’s easy, getting over someone you were never with. But then he has to tell himself that he never was with anyone, that Justin kid was just a distraction, a deviation, an alternate route. He never expected anything to last. There was never anything. 

That’s why life doesn’t surprise him in the months that follow.

Fuck after mindless fuck, blond after blond chased out of his loft, the damn computer packed and delivered, he rids himself of every trigger that ever meant anything (but nothing meant anything because Brian Kinney never attached himself, there was never anything to attach himself to). Months of the same, old routine that never became tiresome seems to weasel its way back to Brian’s life and he welcomes it with more than open arms and a huge sigh of relief. No, relief isn’t the right word, there’s no point to relief if there’s nothing to be relieved about and he never went through anything that was psychologically taxing. 

Sometimes, though, at night, after the last trick rolls the front door shut and he showers himself raw, Brian sits on the edge of the bed, cigarette hanging limply from his lips, and misses something about the one thing he can’t put his finger on.

-

Life hasn’t been normal for years now, never will be and Brian’s done expecting it to be. He goes through stages, like an ex-addict, like poor Teddy, and he takes on Justin every time they fight because it’s the kind of thing that helps the kid (man) know Brian’s not yet given up on him, them. Beyond every fiber in his being, he’s almost ready to renounce everything and nothing at the same time but instead he takes the back seat and watches his life unfold without much interference on his behalf.

He’s not sticking to the plan (I gave it some thought and decided you should take me back) ever (well then, you can start immediately) again (yes, you are seeing it, the most historic reunification since Germany).

 

END

 

estimated time of writing: Two hours and thirty minutes. Cool.

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March 2011

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